Reality Bites

I've secretly - or not so secretly - always thought of him as Troy, me as Lelaina. We met in college - we lived in the same dorm. He walked me home when I could barely stand without his fraternity's banister. Later I convinced him to take a New Years road trip. After 16 hours in the car, plus Mummers and meatball sandwiches, our acquaintance became friendship.

He gave in when I begged him to take Prep Step lessons. He went with me to every date function my boyfriend refused to attend. He came to visit over the summer and hooked up with my best friend. He pretended not to notice my jealousy. We went hiking. We had Sunday dinners. He was honest about my relationship with the boyfriend. I ruined his shirts with my tears and mascara, and he became my best friend. When she ended it with him we held sleepovers to numb the pain of our significant others becoming less significant. He gave killer pep talks and played me a special song. I tried to distract him. We drank a lot. A whole lot. And I turned into his best friend, too.

We didn't get along as roommates. I irritated him with my dancing and my vies for his attention. He never took out the trash. I don't really remember that, though. I miss him playing Sam Cooke and practicing his pitching by throwing tennis balls into the Pappazan. I miss him cooking breakfast, followed by us drinking coffee and reading the paper. He misses me singing Coldplay constantly. He even misses me yelling at him to take out the trash. He likely won't admit any of this.

I rode the wave of Red Sox fandom with him. I sunk with his lows and shook with his explosions. I listened to him cry and told him it wasn't a waste of time. He stepped in when enough was enough with another boyfriend. He read to me and gave me his bed. He protected like a big brother. He buys me books for my birthday, and I save all of his cards. He's an amazing writer.

He tells me I'm a good friend to people. I know this. I don't understand his relationships, and I am angered by his complacency. I think he deserves better. And I am confused by my feelings and his intentions. What we already have is more than enough. People - our friends - are jealous of this.

I don't think that this Troy and Lelaina are going to end up together. I'm not even sure I want that. But I am sure that I didn't want to leave this weekend. For the first time, I didn't want to leave.