The Not So Simplex Method

Back at UVA, I had to take a class in Operations Research as part of the Systems Engineering curriculum. For this class I purchased the heaviest, most expensive textbook of my life. For this class I spent more hours doing homework and studying than any other class I have ever taken. And my reward for surviving this dreadful class was the worst final class grade of my life. A solid C.

I am not complaining. I should have failed that class, so that C is fucking beautiful.What does a C in Operations Research have to do with my drive to California? Pretty much everything.

The continental United States covers 3,618,784 square miles. And according to Google Maps, my old apartment in Washington, DC and new apartment in San Francisco, CA are separated by a mere 2,813 miles of road. Given the limited amount of driving a car can complete on a tank of gas, and the even more limiting amount of urine my bladder can hold at any given moment, driving from DC to SF will require hundreds of pit stops.

But I think it’s pretty important to make these pit stops really count. I want to visit places I’ve never been (Texas! Grand Canyon!) and see friends I haven’t seen in years. (You know who you are.) So I will not be following the shortest path distance depicted by Google Maps.

My trip will more likely be depicted with a Network Flow. And the process of determining how I will get from DC to SF, becomes a problem in Operations Research.

Goal: Minimize the time (and cost) of driving from DC to SF while maximizing the enjoyment of the journey from DC to pit stop to pit stop to pit stop... ...to pit stop to SF.

Factors:

• 1999 Honda Civic LX Gast Tank holds 11.1 gallons
• 1999 Honda Civic LX gets approx. 35 miles/gallon
• 25 Year Old Bladder capacity unknown
• 25 Year Old Average Bladder Control Duration 3.5 Hours
• 5 Friends to Visit along the Way

In the end, I need to pump as much satisfaction through the cross country network and as little cash as possible. And I know that this balancing exercise is a perfect Min Cost Flow problem. My real problem, however, is that I don't know how to solve the damn problem. The Simplex Method should do the trick, but how does one apply this algorithm – or any algorithm for that matter – to personal life?

The good news is that Law School Friend is in! One less variable. A start!

So (Dad), please check out the linked sites. Maybe you can figure out how to apply non-linear programming to my life. Until then, I will make use of the fact that I’m only quasi engineer. Time to abandon my systems engineering principles and use that right brain of mine to figure this out.