Street SIgns

We liked each other immediately. He was kind and smart and challenging and GOOD. It was different. He confided in me things he didn't normally discuss, and I respected that. Because people are too fake anymore. Always trying to impress everyone with how great their clothes / hair / teeth / job / car / family / friends / LIFE is. Feigning perfection was tiring and fake and lonely. Even when it wasn't entirely pleasant, he wasn't fake. Which meant I didn't have to be, either. And It felt good to admit to someone that life fucking sucks sometimes.

We talked. We listened. We empathized. We commiserated. Humor spawned, and we laughed at ourselves and each other and at parents and politicians and Jon Stewart and the world in general. I laughed longer and louder than I had in ages. I went to bed at night smiling.

And I quickly found most other dating to be futile. Everyone I met after him I couldn't stand. Even the ones I could stand I couldn't stomach. Because the realness wasn't there. Everything else felt forced. He was the only person I ever met in DC that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

But now, there's kind of an awful taste there. I think they call it bitterness. He's dealing with a horrible catastrophe and I feel terrible about it. But it can't be an excuse. This all happened before she came through. The past few weeks he has been dishonest. And incredibly self-centered. And immature. And unpredictable. And unavailable. And I'm going to cut myself off right there because being that resentful is only goint to have a negative effect on me in the end.

So I care about him more than I have cared about anyone in a really long time. Or maybe I just WORRY about him more. But I need to let this one go. I'm always friends with my exes. Having once loved - or even just really liked - someone, I have a hard time labeling them a horrible person with whom I never want to speak again. Maybe it's because it would then reflect poorly on my ability to judge people. Maybe it's because I can't let go. Or (gasp) maybe it's because they really ARE good people and it just didn't work out.

I hope it's #3 this time. Maybe it's something I haven't even thought of yet. It doesn't matter, though. At this point, little can come out of re-playing conversations and evenings that could and should have been. And I need closure.

You'd think it would be easy given that I'm in a new place and so far away from him. But I see his damn name on the street sign every time I step out my front door. The irony is not appreciated.

All bitterness aside, though - it is pretty damn funny.