I have powerful legs. And really great calves. My lungs are strong. Hell, tomorrow morning I am planning on adding five pounds to each side of that forty-five pound bar I've been bench pressing the past few weeks. So it looks like my arms and chest are developing strength, too. And my heart is healthy.
My mind, though? My mind is fucking weak.
I felt great on Saturday morning. I finished those twenty miles and felt like I could have run 6.2 more. Yes, even after running the majority of my twenty miles in the pouring rain, I felt good. So on Sunday, I rested. It felt wonderful to sleep in, eat a nice breakfast, and relax all afternoon.
But then I had to go and put on a bathing suit. And I winced at my reflection in the mirror. This is not the body of a Boston Marathon Qualifier. I spent parts of Marathon Monday reading and hearing about the Boston finishers. My roommate's friend ran at 6:50 pace for the entire race. Shit! I don't run that fast... I'm worried about sustaining 8:30 pace. And that is not the pace of a Boston Qualifier. And then, on Monday afternoon, ANOTHER cold hits my head and chest. WHY is this happening? I felt too weak to even run three easy miles that afternoon. So I left work early and napped on the couch. This is not the immune system of a Boston Qualifier. Come Tuesday morning, I gave my three miles a shot. I finished, but it was terrible. This is not the running of a Boston Qualifier.
And so I've spent a lot of time since Sunday afternoon moping. Second-guessing this goal and doubting my abilities as a runner. Surmising that I am not really THAT good if I wheeze during an easy three mile recovery jog. Back pedaling. And retracting my proclamations that I will run 26.2 miles in three hours and forty minutes on June 4 in San Diego.
And Why? Because I wish my butt looked better in a bathing suit. And because a girl I don't even know (just like lots of other girls I don't know) can run 6:50 miles at Boston. Because I keep sneezing. And because I had a hard time completing a run while I kept sneezing. And all in all, because I think too much.
Hands down, this season's schedule represents the most intense marathon training I have attempted to date. And last week, I ran more miles than I ever even remotely CONSIDERED running in one seven day period. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. BodyGlide has failed me, as I have cuts all over my chest from my sports bra. I also have a random cut on my neck from the chafe of the jacket I had to wear throughout all twenty miles of my Saturday run through freezing downpour. But amazingly enough, I have all of my toenails. And only small blisters on my pinky toes.
You know, this blog wasn't supposed to be about running. It was supposed to just be about... ME. It started the day I had the guts to admit that I wasn't happy in DC and that I wanted to start a new life for myself in San Francisco. It started when I accepted that beneath this external englineer lies a wannabe high school English teacher. It started because I had been wanting to write for so long but wasn't doing anything about it.
But running, I have learned, is a huge part of what makes me ME. I think about running every day. I have running ads pinned to the wall above my desks. And I have a race number with my name posted on my door. I put it up as a joke, but I can't seem to take it down. I have more playlists on my iPod for different running routes than other genres of music. I get teary in the middle of the gym reading a Runner's World. And when I meet people who have run a marathon I say, "1? Only 1? Don't want to run another one?"
Down on myself, I spent a lot of time today listening to Mark Mulcahy's "Hey Self Defeater."
"Wishing and thinking..."
And I've come to the conclusion that I do love running. Even when it gets ugly, as this training, which is fucking hard, has. And I'm not really ready to quit, because I am not one to propagate mediocrity. I was reminded yesterday that I chose this goal. The Boston Marathon is a huge fucking deal. It is the pinnacle of MY sport. And I really want to be a part of it. I have to go for it - there really just isn't any other choice. I couldn't move to San Francisco without planning. I couldn't start this blog without writing. And I will not qualify for Boston without running. Without a lot of quality, difficult, fast, hilly, slow, recovery, long running.
"Hey Self Defeater... Your underrated by yourself so quick looking down..."
Tonight after work I ran 7 miles in under 56 minutes. Outside, into the wind in both directions. Leave it to San Francisoo to make that, and walking uphill both ways to the grocery store, possible. At any rate, I think I'm pleasantly sick of myself by now. Thankfully, right?
"You're underrated so quit looking down, and look up..."
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12 comments:
Cut yourself some slack Nic. You have made amazing strides.
I recommend a great book "Thinking Body, Dancing Mind" by a Dr. Lynch. (I think David is his first name) He looks at sports psychology and has done some articles in Runners World. The visualization he recommends will help immensely.
When I first really tried to qualify for Boston, I had reminders everywhere of what I needed to do. I had little notecards taped to everything that read "3:40." Keep it positive and know that not everyday is going to be a good running day. I'm positive you're going to get it in San Diego and then we'll meet next year in Boston.
Oh Nic-- I wish I had some great words of wisdom...oh wait. Don't be down on yourself because some girl is running 6:50 miles at Boston. I am jealous of you for attempting to run 8:30 miles in San Diego. There will always be someone who can do something better than you, or look better in a bathing suit, or even run faster. The main thing is that you be the best "that girl" that you can be.
I think you are great.
i'm sure your ass looks great. ok, i am only guessing here.
but here's an option -- three homeopathic remedies for a cold:
1) zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc (which works pretty well for me!)
2) 1000mg vitamin C/hour until you no longer feel a scratchy throat. a doctor recommended this to an acquaintance. he claims he's never had a cold since (10+ years)
3) silver spray (but toxic). take in small sprays.
did i already go through these options with you? i feel like a broken record.
Forlorn? Oh. (;-))
How I sense a need for a B suite pep talk. You'll be sure to get one the morning of June 4. 3:40 will happen.
can I just say thank god for other people who curse in their posts too... :)
Nic, I think your self doubt is normal for anyone trying to BQ. It's a goal that takes a phenomenal amount of determination and discipline. And from what I've read, you've had both of those. The thing I've heard most from runners trying to qualify is, "trust your training." you've put in the miles, the sweat, and the pain. In a few weeks, I have no doubt that you'll reap the rewards. even if you don't think your ass looks like that of a Boston qualifier.
and remember... when you qualify [not if, but when], you will be the person that many of us will be thinking, "but I'm not as fast as her... can I do it?" and that? will be an awesome feeling.
You are definitely a good writer. I really identified with a lot of what you said in this post. I get teary-eyed at any motivational thing that relates to chasing down that person you've always wanted to be. It's like the jersey in the park said "it's simple but it's not easy" and at the end, it's so worth it regardless of whether you place first or fiftieth. Arriving at your goal is the important part! Keep chasing.
i'm in the middle of a similar mind game... granted a much slower running mind game... but still.
i know it doesnt help, but for those of us that haven't been running as long, and seriously doubt they'll ever run as fast, you are a huge inspiration.
every time you get up and get out the door to train, you're giving newbies/slow-pokes like me hope... something to aspire to.
so as crazy as 6:50 seems to you, and as much as you'd like to run like her...
just know there are people out there looking at 8:30's with just as much awe and admiration!
san diego. 3:40. you can do this.
you will do this.
and an hour an a half later, i'll be there to help you celebrate! ;)
This is not the body of a Boston Marathon Qualifier.
That's just non-sense talk. Rest if you need to (especially if u have a cold).
There ain't one day that I don't think about quitting. It's ok to think about quitting..as long as you don't follow through with it.
The mind can be quite weak. But just like the body, it can be strenghten.
I think this mental aspect of training is much more critical than physical.
> Tonight after work I ran 7 miles in under 56 minutes.
You see! You are a warrior! You WILL make it to Boston! I've only just started reading your blog and I'm already a believer!
As for the butt-in-a-bikini angst, it's all in your head. You're an avid runner. You can't help but look fit, sassy and sexy.
From the beginner to the seasoned veteran there will always be moments of doubt and fear. This is what we have signed up for as endurance athletes. Every season we must go through the process all over again because nothing is free or comes easily. We rack up the training hours and put our faith in the fact that there will be more good hours then bad. History tells us that we will make it and things will get better, but it only will, if we continue the journey we’ve started.
You are an amazing runner and you’ve set a high goal for yourself, and it is one that you will obtain. When the voices creep in find that yoga or meditation pose and find your focus. Find the voice inside that made the goal in the first place and it’s the same voice that will drive you until you complete that goal. It’s there, all you have to do is listen to her. She will not let you down.
Nic,
A girl that can average 6:50's on the hilly Boston course is not even human so you shouldn't compare yourself to a freak of nature!;-)
There will always be someone who is faster regardless of how much we train- we can only toe the line knowing we have prepared as best we can and give it a 110% come race day!
You continue to inspire and motivate because you have a gift in your ability to express,thru your writing, how alot of us feel about running.....continue to embrace it.
*It will get you to Boston*
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